There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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