You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
