Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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