Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
