matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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