it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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