I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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