if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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