I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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