bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You need a sexual gate keeper
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
