think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
