I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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