There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
