Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
