Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
actually, I'm a sock model
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize