Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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