Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just had sex on a roof
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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