i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
