Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
