I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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