I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
