I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
you made out with another girl for some wings
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
