i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
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