I wish my penis had an off switch
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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