Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
