When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
