soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
