Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
