Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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