I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
