Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
