broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
how drunk are you?
Several
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
