I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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