In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
