After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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