My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
