Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
