I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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