i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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