I want to walk on stilts...naked
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
