look no pants
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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