i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
