Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
