I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize