I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
