1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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