Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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