I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
