so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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