As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
