I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
