just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
