Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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