why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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