as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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