Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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