apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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