I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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