So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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