His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
