just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Is Oprah even human
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
