So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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