I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
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