I accidentally had phone sex last night
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
ok first of all what the fuck
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
