PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
