I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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