dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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