she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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