it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
