upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
