My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
