two words...techno handjob
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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