just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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