I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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