somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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