Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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