i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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